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The Cabinet of Dr Caligari by Robert Wiene made in 1920 is a silent movie set in the German town of Holstenwall. The movie opens with a f... -
This post contains my research notes and drawings from the third city depicted by Italo Calvino, the city of Diomira. I've noticed a d... -
I've spent the morning trying to figure out how to draw children so I could create a facial design which looks like a young me at roughl...
Hey Tom - okay, so I'm struggling with this for a few reasons - all fixable, but there's still a sense that you're not 'driving' this story purposefully enough. Quite literally, nothing happens in this film - and I think audiences need some set-pieces, but that doesn't mean 'big', it just means purposeful. It's running really long at 5 minutes+ too.
ReplyDeleteSo - 1) you need to commit to faces/expressions and actual storyboard panels: for one thing, this is all about what the boy is feeling/fearing - and the only way we'll ever now that is if you show us the boy and what he's looking at: after the power cut, you have a series of shots of the environment which never link back to the boy who is doing the looking; if you intercut between the boy's face and those environment shots, you'd instantly add purpose to that sequence - these shots 'belong' to the boy and his emotional state. I'd suggest this disconnect between the boy and 'his story' is one of the big impressions I get from this animatic. I don't feel anything because I don't what he is feeling - and this is due in part to the fact he has no face, no expressions, and you largely keep him in mid or far shot. Something else I found strange was that you took us into the bathroom 'twice' - we're shown it first, and then he enters it again when he hears his Nan say 'I'm in here' - that seems odd to me, because it's a bit like pulling your punch.
I also think you need to decide on three scary moments - an escalation of horrors - with the third scare coming just before the lights come back on and Nan is there. You need three distinct moments which you can build too, because otherwise it's not suspenseful, it's empty. I don't mean jump scares - I mean three episodes where the boy is confronted by specific weirdness - with a sense of build-up.
In terms of dialogue - again, I think you don't need most it - after the lights come on, it's 'There you are, silly boy - now go brush your teeth' - bosh, job done - and we're onto the next scene.
So - the prime stuff of me is this: you need to commit to actually panelling out more of your shots, as opposed to letting AE do the work: the way your character gets up off the floor and leaves the room is 'storytelling' too; you need to use close-up and face-work to personalise the subjective experiences you're showing us - intercutting between the boy and his POV is key to bringing energy and readability into this experience; you need distinctive 'moments' around which to structure your action (otherwise it's just a boy walking around a dark house - for example: moment one, might be as simple the old lady's ball of knitting wool rolling ominously across the floor...). This sounds like the opposite advice to 'cut the run time' - but it's not - it's about you bringing greater purpose to the action. Go for four minutes max, 3 moments, more close-ups/face shots/reaction shots - things will electrify quite quickly. I also think its time you got some place-holder dialogue so we're not 'reading' dialogue, we're hearing it.